Tozasareta Kokoro
by J.J. Blue
Summary: 1999. There are so many unsaid things...


**Title: "Tozasareta Kokoro" (Locked Heart)**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's **BASED ON THE MANGA** specifically during the **'Tsuzuki & Hisoka No Shikigami Series'**. It's unbetaed, it probably contain some OOC, some use of Japanese words, some spoilers, a bit of sappiness...  
**Notes:** A look to Tsuzuki and Touda after what had happened in Kyoto...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Yami no Matsuei"** belong to Matsushita Yoko. I'm merely using her characters because I love them... especially Touda, Tsuzuki and Hisoka...  
**"Tozasareta Kokoro"** is also the title of one of the **"Yami no Matsuei"** BGM (It's the one you heard when Tsuzuki remembers of his childhood in the Kyoto Arc.). I consider it perfect as BGM for this fic also.  
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?  
**Summary:** _There are so many unsaid things..._

* * *

**_"... For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now  
and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow  
and all the time I'm thinking, thinking..."  
(Dido - "Hunter")_**

**GenSoKai - Summer 1999**

A soft breeze was blowing. Stars were twinkling. Birds were sleeping. An almost ordinary night in GenSoKai.

Almost.

Tsuzuki was back, was back after such a long time and such a big mess and, obviously, Suzaku and the others couldn't lose this chance to have a party. He could hear their voices and laughs clearly, even from his place in one of the various gardens of Tenku-Kyuu.(1)

He didn't know why he too had bothered to take part to their little celebration. Well, not that he was actually taking part to it, since right then he was definitely out of the room, but he had showed up in the beginning, had had a drink and he was still pretty close to it.

Showing up had been a waste of his time.

He was nor welcomed or interested in the party, only in Tsuzuki, who had been basically kidnapped by his other Shikigami, mainly Suzaku and Byakko, who were doing their best to get his total attention and make him have fun. Tsuzuki, apparently, was enjoying their company and was happily chatting with them, drinking a glass of sake after the other, as if nothing serious had happened in ChiJou just few months before, in winter, as if this was just another ordinary visit as the previous Tsuzuki did.(2)

Tsuzuki's new partner, Hisoka was his name, was quietly sitting in a corner, as far as possible from the noise and from the emotions of the Shikigami attending to the party, a bored expression on his face, drinking some fruit juice. Apparently the kid couldn't handle alcohol as well as Tsuzuki.(3) SoRyu's son, Kijin, was trying to keep up a polite conversation with him, probably in an attempt to make up for his father's aggression at KanSeiTei, but the young Shinigami didn't seem much of a talker, his formal behaviour creating a sharp contrast with Tsuzuki's totally informal one.(4)

Kijin's little sister, Tenko, had been nowhere in sign, probably she had already been sent to bed by her father, her father who was, at the moment, supervising the party carefully, sipping slowly the sake from one of the expensive glasses, sometimes attempting to hide a smile toward Tsuzuki's direction, sometimes glaring at Tsuzuki's partner. However, now that Tsuzuki was in GenSoKai, SoRyu looked a tiny bit... happier and relaxed. There wasn't a real reason for SoRyu to be this way considering GenSoKai's present situation, but Tsuzuki's presence usually affected people and Shikigami this way.

Yet the annoying KouRyu was still in a bad position.

The child of misfortune who came with the Kazehana happened to be their master's new partner, a boy at whom Tsuzuki was attached in an almost desperate way. SoRyu didn't really like the boy even if he barely knew him; however to hurt him would meant to hurt Tsuzuki and this was out of question in the Ryuzoku's book. Of course there was the little matter of keeping GenSoKai in one piece while the boy was here... a GenSoKai which was apparently doing its best to be as uncooperative as possible with all those wormholes incidents...(5)

Not that Touda cared about the GenSoKai, or SoRyu's problems, or Tsuzuki's partner. They were all meaningless to him. Only Tsuzuki mattered. And honestly, he decided as he frowned at that dark sky filled with stars he had dreamed so many times during his imprisonment, he didn't know what to do with Tsuzuki right now. He had gone to the party only to check on him and because he knew Tsuzuki would be pleased to see him there. He had left as soon as he had caught Suzaku's glance toward him and had known that staying longer would have meant risking her going through another of her temper tantrum if not worse and definitely ruining Tsuzuki's precarious, apparent, good mood. He didn't care about angering Suzaku nor he feared her sword.

Tsuzuki's happiness was another matter.

Tsuzuki didn't like to see them argue. He liked for them to be friend and happy. Not that it was going to happen, but Touda could pretend to tolerate the others for Tsuzuki's sake. The other Shikigami were doing the same, tolerating him at least while Tsuzuki was around. As for Suzaku...

He never had good relations with her, to her he was only a menace to Tsuzuki's well being and she had never made secret of it, but, recently, the NanpouSyugoJyu's behaviour toward him had gone out of control, as if her only goal was to kill him, uncaring of Tsuzuki's wishes.(6)

Not that, to her, Tsuzuki's wishes mattered that much.

Suzaku literally worshipped Tsuzuki, but she had been always so sure **SHE** was the only one who knew what was good for him, no matter what Tsuzuki or others could be saying, that she never really bothered to consider obeying to orders she didn't like. Before the _'Kyoto incident'_ Tsuzuki had told him he found Suzaku's motherly attitude nice, he found nice she would worry for him like that. After all Tsuzuki never had a big opinion about himself and almost craved for every bit of affection he could get. Suzaku's protectiveness made him feel loved and therefore more worthy to exist. Touda wondered if Tsuzuki thought the same after what had happened. Maybe. Tsuzuki had always been fast to forgive and forget.(7)

Besides Touda knew he wasn't capable to offer that sort of comfort to Tsuzuki and, anyway, he didn't think Tsuzuki really needed to be babied like that. Tsuzuki was more than capable to take care of himself when he wanted to and he wasn't as stupid as he let the others believe.

Tsuzuki was capable to stand up to SoRyu, to practice powerful spells, to summon the twelve ShinSho, to analyse a situation and get to the bottom of the problem, to face Akuma and worse and, sometimes, he also managed to manipulate people into doing what he wanted.

Tsuzuki just... didn't show it.

Apparently Tsuzuki liked his role of GenSoKai's pet more than his role of master of the twelve ShinSho or of JuOhCho's top Shinigami. Tsuzuki let his Shikigami boss him nearly always and rarely ordered them around unless it was an emergency, barely raised his voice with them and he never had one of them punished no matter what they did. He never requested respect or submission from them. To Tsuzuki they were friends, his best, oldest friends, almost like family. Friends who weren't good enough to be a reason for him to continue living.

* * *

_'A world where the person you love doesn't exist, has no real worth.'_(8)

* * *

Tsuzuki had said so long ago and, so far, no matter how many people he had met, no one had been able to substitute the person he lost so long ago, when he was still alive, just a eighteen year old teenager. All those people, most of which he had called friends, had been just small palliatives until that albino freak hadn't made matters worse going to tamper with Tsuzuki's sense of guilt and causing him to go into another of his _'the world would be better without me'_ rampages and breaking the tiny tie his master still have with his will to live.

Suzaku could say whatever she wanted to say, Touda had seen Tsuzuki in Shion Daigaku, and to keep his master trapped in that _'thing'_ that the _'oh so great'_ Enma called life as she wanted to do was... was... He lacked of words to express his feelings, he could only go back with his mind at the time he had been the one trapped in a dark, deep prison, stripped of any hope to be freed. He clenched his teeth in an attempt to keep those overwhelming, dark feeling at bay and... carry on.

Anyway he hadn't been capable to stand by and let Tsuzuki to be condemned to the same hell he went through, not after Tsuzuki had freed him from it, not after Tsuzuki had offered him his friendship, not after Tsuzuki himself had asked him to free him from it, not after Tsuzuki had told him that was what he wanted, that he was sure of it.

Touda hadn't wanted Tsuzuki to die, not now not ever but... but he couldn't bear the idea to let him live like that either and so... so he had tried to help the man the only way he knew. Trusting his judgement. Obeying to his order. Giving him what he was asking for.

In the end the Kageshi and the kid had stuck their noses in his master's business saving his life even if not his soul, and now, some months after it, Tsuzuki was back here in GenSoKai to help his partner to find a Shikigami, acting like nothing had happened, pretending to be all right for the everyone else's sake, forcing himself to live in order to please a child, who, a the moment, was showing him little or almost none attention.

The boy... that brat, he thought all of sudden feeling an unexpected wave of anger toward him... he had been the cause for Tsuzuki's lack of visit in GenSoKai.

Before their partnership Tsuzuki had always visited often but after it... Tsuzuki said he couldn't do it anymore. Tsuzuki said he **_had_** to keep company to the brat. Why did he had to? Touda hadn't understood and Tsuzuki had tried to explain him... what had the man said? Oh yes, he said the brat was his partner and he didn't want his partner to feel alone...

But GenSoKai was a good place to Tsuzuki. It brightened his mood and gave him peace. In GenSoKai no one would pay attention to his amethyst eyes and everyone adored him and worked for his happiness. Tsuzuki had no worries and no duties that asked him to kill people whose names appeared in a stupid list.

Touda knew Tsuzuki had never fully accepted his role as Shinigami.

To Tsuzuki it didn't matter that everyone **HAD** to die sooner or later, he didn't want to have a part in a being's death. Staying in Meifu, where he was perpetually reminded of his work as a killer as he viewed it, only caused him to sink into depression. Visiting GenSoKai usually kept that depression at bay and that was why, despite everything, no one in Meifu had actively stopped him from visiting more than necessary. But since the brat came, Tsuzuki decided he had to play the babysitter's role twenty-four hours at day and so, no matter if he had to work or not, Tsuzuki devoted himself to keep company to the green eyed nuisance.

Did that child realize how much he meant to Tsuzuki?

Did that child realize what Tsuzuki was doing for him? Sacrificing for him?

Oh yes, the boy ran into the flames of his black fire back in Kyoto, in an attempt to save Tsuzuki but... but was he there because Tsuzuki needed him or because he needed Tsuzuki?

Touda didn't know.

He didn't like Tsuzuki's partner but it wasn't like he had ever liked a living being beside Tsuzuki... And anyway to human standards that boy was still a little more than a child.

Could he understand the complex creature that Tsuzuki was?

Could he help Tsuzuki out?

Would he help Tsuzuki or, in the end, would he do as the Kageshi did and abandon Tsuzuki with the pitiful excuse of preferring to watch over him?

Touda didn't know that either. He hated not knowing things like that. If he didn't know how would he manage to help Tsuzuki?

He frowned again, then his eyes widened in surprise as a glass filled with sake was placed right in front of him.

"The party is inside, you know," a way too cheerful voice reminded him, the only voice he knew that could use that tone while talking to him. Tsuzuki. Holding a bottle of sake and another glass for himself. Oh well, who else would manage to catch him on surprise?

"I'm not a party person," he informed him after giving him a brief glance before accepting the glass he offered.

"I know," Tsuzuki answered, smiling as he sat to his right and then served himself some sake as well. "I'm surprised to find you so close to the party. And I've been even more surprised when I saw you putting up an appearance at it," he added as he moved his now filled glass against Touda's one in a small toast before sipping from it.

So Tsuzuki had noticed it, Touda considered as he tasted the sake as well. As absentminded as Tsuzuki could be sometimes, it was surprising how many little things didn't go lost on him.

"It wasn't you the one who kept yammering about me needing to be more _'social'_?" he asked in an almost confused tone.

To understand Tsuzuki's wishes was complicate. The only thing Tsuzuki always clearly stated was that he wished for more apple pie or everything else which could pass for pie substitute but beside this... there wasn't much more he directly requested.

"Well... sitting here all alone isn't what I would call _'being social'_," Tsuzuki pointed out resting his back more comfortably against the wall behind them while he left his gaze wander on the garden in front of him. Touda absently noticed Tsuzuki looked tired, more tired than he should be. Or was it just a side effect of the sake Tsuzuki drank?

"Are you ordering me to go inside, Aruji-sama?" he questioned in a rather harsh tone, raising an eyebrow. Couldn't Tsuzuki make his wishes clear once and for all?

"Ne, Touda, don't be like that!" Tsuzuki said raising placating hands in front of him. "... Beside you're scary when you try to be respectful..." he added in a quiet murmur that, more than fear filled as some might have thought it would be, held a joking note only Tsuzuki would use with him. Touda almost smirked at it. It was hard to stay mad at Tsuzuki for more than two minutes... Tsuzuki, of course, had to notice he had managed to get him in a good mood, and half smiled at him for a moment, then his expression returned serious and attentive. "What's wrong anyway? You've been upset from after I found Hisoka in KanSeiTei..."

Touda could feel an almost hurt note in his master's voice and felt an annoying pang of guilt. He hadn't mean to snap before. He knew Tsuzuki wasn't attempting to order him around or even simply criticizing him. He knew Tsuzuki was doing his damn best to give him all the freedom he could wish, even with the limitations that had been set, and that he had argued over them with SoRyu almost every time he had been in GenSoKai. Tsuzuki was only worried about him but it was just that old habits were hard to die and, after he had spent so many years being used by someone who had used him and then had tossed him away like garbage when he hadn't needed him anymore...

Touda just felt more comfortable being mistreated than being treated kindly.

Not that he liked it, it was just the way he expected people to act toward him. Being surrendered by Shikigami who would like to have him stuck back in his dark prison in the dept of Tenku-kyuu and then forget about him entirely didn't help him much. Nor helped Tsuzuki's lack of visits in GenSoKai in the last three years...

"It's nothing," he stated, attempting to brush it off. "Thanks for this," he added motioning to the glass, hoping to brighter Tsuzuki's mood. He hadn't planned to have Tsuzuki notice he was... how did the man put it? Upset. Right now Tsuzuki has probably enough troubles to not need worrying about him too. And Touda knew Tsuzuki needed very little to worry...

"Yeah, sure, it's nothing..." Tsuzuki replied waving his arms in an almost exasperate gesture and nearly dripping half of his sake in the process. "You don't really expect me to believe it, do you?" he asked looking at Touda intently.

Touda glared at him but a glare lost a lot of its effect if one was wearing a visor so he just gave up. Besides it wasn't as if his glares had ever scared Tsuzuki for real and there wasn't much sense in insisting in his version, considering Tsuzuki's stubbornness and the fact his master could read easily his mood with one single look...

"I didn't mean to... displease you today..." Touda reluctantly admitted, staring obstinately at the garden in front of himself and yet not really seeing it. Fine, so he should have guessed Tsuzuki would have wished to keep his partner all in one piece, but it wasn't like SoRyu could really hurt the Shinigami boy that much, and beside he had warned Tsuzuki about what the Ryuzoku was doing anyway, didn't he? And he got Tsuzuki out of troubles, which in his book was a lot more important than babysitting an annoying teenager, who should have know better than going around in GenSoKai alone...

"Today? What happened today?" Tsuzuki asked honestly surprised. Of all the reasons in the world he could figure that would justify Touda's worse than usual mood, none of them was related to the day's events. Beside... when had he been displeased that day?

Touda rolled his eyes. Sometimes Tsuzuki was just so...

"SoRyu and your partner remember? Arguing in KanSeiTei? Does that ring a bell?" he reminded him.

"Oh, that. Well, nothing happened, so no big deal. I can't believe you're still thinking at their argument..."

"I'm not. I don't give a damn if SoRyu rips your partner open or vice versa. It was a certain someone else who thought it was stupid that I wasted **MY** time to stop a certain Shinigami, with no sense of direction may I add, from falling into a crocodile pond trap when instead he wanted me to get involved in something that wasn't my job," he pointed out. _'A certain someone who now had also forgot completely about it...'_ he thought but didn't add.

"Oh... thaaat..." Tsuzuki replied evasively. Touda's words had ringed a bell. Tsuzuki knew Touda by ages and he should have known Touda couldn't be expected to care about his partner especially considering Touda had been busy trying to take care of **HIM**. Tsuzuki knew he shouldn't have blame Touda. Touda had always clearly stated he cared only of Tsuzuki and no one else. It was just that, when he had heard Hisoka was in trouble, he had completely forgot about everything else. "Hum... sorry about it... really... I didn't mean it the way it sounded... It's just..." he paused not willing to voice his thoughts.

_'It's just no matter what I'm saying or what I'm doing, I'm still an emotional mess who can't stop to think before to act. I can't even consider what I would do should something happen to Hisoka. Yet I must find a way to keep my feelings under control. I broke down seeing Muraki at the Rousoku no Yakata, even if I should have understood immediately that it was just an illusion. It can't happen again. What if Muraki had been there for real and had hurt someone while I was too busy wallowing in my misery and guilt for having tried to kill him? HakuShaku had suggested taking it easy... But how I can take it easy when everyone is worried about me?'_

Tsuzuki sighed. He had no answers to offer to himself.

"I'm sorry, Touda, " he said simply. "I'm just a bit... overemotional recently. Don't pay attention to my outburst."

The purple haired Shikigami stared at his master's profile intently, as if trying to read in between the lines of Tsuzuki's words, his half filled glass forgotten in his hand.(9)

Tsuzuki's gaze was turned up to the sky but he wasn't contemplating it with the usual smile the Shikigami had come to know very well. No, right now Tsuzuki was seeing everything but the sky, his mind probably lost in thoughts and memories that were hardly pleasant, things that caused him pain and yet... longing.

Many years had gone from the day Tsuzuki had freed him, offering him his hand and his friendship. Slowly Touda had learnt to know him, to study the Shinigami's expressions, words and moods. Something was still so very wrong in Tsuzuki... and yet Touda had no idea what it was or how to fix it.

"Are you... well now?" he asked tentatively. Tsuzuki had once said that _'talking helped'_. Touda thought he could make him talk at least. Touda wasn't much of a talker but he knew how to listen and, in some ways, he had learnt to appreciate listening Tsuzuki as he babbled about something, even if Tsuzuki were to lose himself in a monologue about why apple pie was better than pear pie. Tsuzuki's voice as he talked to him about meaningless little things or deep personal problems was always... strangely soothing, reassuring. Nothing could go wrong if Tsuzuki was babbling right next to him.

"Mn... me?" Tsuzuki looked caught on surprise by his question, as his eyes left the sky and turned on Touda. "Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine. Maybe a little drunk but not that much..." it was the hurried, dismissing answer. It sounded... forced, as if Tsuzuki was repeating a lesson hastily studied and that he wished to forget as soon as he had exposed it, even if he voiced it with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"I didn't mean like that," Touda informed him. He hated seeing Tsuzuki pretending everything was all right when, obviously, it was not. He hated seeing how the other Shikigami didn't notice it, or simply played along with the mummery. He hated not being able to do something.

There was a long pause of silence as the real meaning of his question sank in, breaking Tsuzuki's carefully built act of _'everything is all right'_. Tsuzuki gave him a sideway glance, his expression turning serious and thoughtful, as if wondering how much he should tell or if he should tell at all. Touda was waiting patiently for him to make his decision, his head slightly turned toward him.

Long ago Tsuzuki had found Touda imprisoned in a dark cell with no chances or hope of being freed, imprisoned in the same way Tsuzuki had been when he had been trapped in the prison of his mind for the eight years that had preceded his death. Tsuzuki had sought to free the Shikigami, to free him from that eternal darkness, loneliness and abandonment that Tsuzuki had known and that he still knew so well, too well, but, no matter how much he wished for it, he didn't manage to do it fully. The other Shikigami... they didn't want to release Touda, they didn't want to trust him the same way people couldn't trust a purple eyed boy who only yearned to be allowed to live with the others, to be _'human'_. Sure, Touda's situation was different, sure the Shikigami had deserved a punishment and yet... in Tsuzuki's eyes it had been the same. And yet Tsuzuki couldn't free Touda in the same way he couldn't free himself from his memories, from his nightmares, from his own madness.

To make matter worse, one of the conditions for Touda's release has been his forced submission to Tsuzuki.

While everyone else could choose if to accept a Shinigami as his master or not, could test him and see if he was an okay master, Touda never had his chance to voice his opinion, to test Tsuzuki. It was that or the prison. Tsuzuki had seen the prison. No one would like to spend the rest of his life in it. There was no choice to make. Tsuzuki hadn't mean to force into submission anyone. He had done his best to make up for it with Touda.

At first Touda hadn't know how to deal with his new master. He had been grateful to Tsuzuki in an almost overwhelming manner for his freedom, even if it was only a partial freedom. He hadn't expected to get something more from Tsuzuki, but as time went by he had learnt to know the downsides and upsides of his master, a Shinigami who was still learning how to deal with his past. Lack of sense of direction, adoration for sweets, love for sleeping till later, childish behaviour, loyalty, honesty, care, kindness, generosity. Tsuzuki was, in Touda's opinion a far better master then he deserved, the best master a Shiki could hope to get, even if Tsuzuki refused to believe it. And, as time went by, they had unconsciously built a strong bond, based more on reciprocal understanding and affection that on the oath of forced loyalty that was supposed to bound Touda to Tsuzuki. They trusted each other. It was as simple as that. Tsuzuki could tell to Touda what he could never tell to others, sure Touda wouldn't abandon him and, since Touda wouldn't abandon him no matter what Tsuzuki would say or do, Touda deserved to know the truth. And, due to this, there wasn't much for Tsuzuki to ponder about. He emptied his glass in a single gulp then smiled a bittersweet smile as he absently turned it in his fingers.

"Touda you know better than the others that I've never being well to begin with," Tsuzuki stated calmly in the end.(10)

Insane. He had been insane for eight years, eight years he didn't remember or better that he didn't want to remember much. He was still insane in a fashion, even after becoming a Shinigami. He simply had learnt to keep his insanity at bay, to not lose himself in it, to hide it from everyone else with that happy facade that he always showed to the world. Sometimes he was so good at hiding it he could manage to fool himself too.

Touda had known. Tsuzuki hadn't mean to tell, it had just... slipped out in one of those long, long nights in which neither of them could sleep and Touda had listened in silence that unpleasant confession as he was doing now. He hadn't minded if Tsuzuki had been... not well before his death, in the same way he didn't care about Tsuzuki's eye colour. Tsuzuki was the master he chose, chose to serve out of gratitude at first, and later out of the... attachment that had come after knowing him.

Everything else had been a meaningless detail.

It didn't matter if the others saw his loyalty to Tsuzuki as forced, Touda had chosen him as soon as he had seen him stretching his hand toward him and he wouldn't turn back, no matter what. He would serve Tsuzuki, doing everything the man would demand him to do. Yet now that had a completely new meaning. Before Kyoto he had known Tsuzuki had been suicidal and had some serious problems but he had believed they were kind of left buried in the man's past. Tsuzuki could get badly depressed at times, he could even be a bit out of it for some time but, in the end, everything would go back to normal.

When they had been in Kyoto... he had discovered everything wouldn't go fine. In Kyoto everything was supposed to end. People normally escaped seeing his black fire, even the bravest ones. Tsuzuki just stood in the middle of it and smiled as he through that fire was going to kill him, he smiled as if to be burned to dead was what he had always yearned. No matter how long Touda was going to live, he would never forget Tsuzuki smiling as he was so close to death, as if death was the best gift he could receive.

"Well... are you... like before then?" Touda asked tentatively. It wouldn't be so bad if Tsuzuki was like he was before Kyoto. It wouldn't be good but it wouldn't be so bad. And yet he really didn't need an answer to know Tsuzuki was not.

Tsuzuki lowered his gaze, chewing his lower lip for a moment. Had anyone else asked him that, Tsuzuki would have said _'yes'_ and closed the discussion. But Touda wasn't anyone else and it had been Tsuzuki the one who dragged him in the _'Kyoto mess'_ so he only paused to find a way to put order in his thoughts before answering.

"I'm... better than Kyoto... but... I'm not like before..." he reluctantly admitted. "I don't know if I go back to be as I was before..." The last part had been a whisper and not really meant for Touda to hear.

It took so much time to build what Tsuzuki had been before and Tsuzuki hadn't been happy with it. Even before Kyoto that facade of happiness and carelessness he showed to the world had been getting always harder to keep up. He didn't know if he could rebuild it again. He didn't know if he wanted to rebuild it again. He was tired. Everything was slipping from his grasp and, no matter what he did, he couldn't stop it from falling... But Hisoka had said he wanted Tsuzuki to stay with him... and he couldn't find the courage to abandon the teenager when he knew the boy needed him... Tsuzuki knew what it meant to be abandoned and alone... he couldn't do it to Hisoka not after what the boy had already suffered.

"You... you **REALLY** wished for death back in Kyoto, didn't you?" Touda said. It wasn't a question, just a mere statement. Touda had been there, he had asked to Tsuzuki for confirmation and he had witnessed the whole thing. Suzaku and the others could say what they wanted. He had only tried to help Tsuzuki to get what he longed for. Yet Tsuzuki let himself being saved, he let himself survive and so... it wasn't that he disliked the idea of having Tsuzuki still alive, it was just he didn't understand.

"If I wished for it? Oh yes, yes, I did." Tsuzuki closed his eyes in an almost longing expression as if... as if he was still wishing for it as if it still pained him greatly to be alive and it... hurt to watch Tsuzuki in that state.

"You... do you want me to finish what we started?" he asked quietly, eyes lowered. It pained him to ask it, it pained him but his petty wishes didn't matter. He lived by Tsuzuki's will. If Tsuzuki wanted to die then so be it even if it wasn't what he wanted for him.

Tsuzuki smiled at him, that kind, gentle smile, that same kind, gentle smile he remembered he had when they first met. A smile he couldn't forget and that had warmed his lonely existence. The smile of someone who cared about him. The smile of a friend.

"Thanks, but we can't do it. Hisoka said he needs me and I can't leave him alone. I don't want him to be sad. So I guess I'll have to live."

It was strange how such a simple answer could generate opposite feelings. The boy was forcing Tsuzuki to live, trapping him in an existence he didn't wanted. He would like to roast the brat for doing this to Tsuzuki, for keeping him prisoner in that life he loathed and yet... he couldn't say he was unhappy with it, quite the contrary. That meant also that Tsuzuki would still be around for some more time, that Touda could still serve him. Be with him. Touda lived by Tsuzuki's will. Without Tsuzuki... what would be the point in going on?

But Touda wasn't the type to voice all this and so he just shrugged.

"Meifu handled you for seventy-nine years. It can do it for other seventy-nine years, and probably more," he stated. He had meant to sound encouraging but Touda had never really learnt how to be.

Jyazoku weren't exactly a social race. They didn't even bother raising their children. The strongest of them survived the weakest... who cared about them anyway? Touda was strong. He had survived and rise high. He was one of the twelve ShinSho but he had never been friend with the others. He had served the Koutei KouRyu, who had only used him. He also had spent many years in Tenku-kyuu's dungeon. This hadn't taught him to be more social. The only person who had cared for him had been Tsuzuki. It had helped but it couldn't make up for centuries of lonel-... of taking care only of himself.(11)

Tsuzuki looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"Seventy-nine years? It won't be for so long, Touda. Probably it won't be not even the half of it," the man corrected him.

"What do you mean? As weak as the kid can be, he's still a Shinigami. He **CAN'T** die that easily," Touda pointed out.

"Shinigami live as long as their connection with ChiJou exists. Hisoka's connection is his wish to get revenge over Muraki. But Muraki, as powerful as he can be, is a mere mortal. He's thirty-five already. How long do you think he'll survive, considering he will likely keeping messing around with Bakemono, murders and such?" Tsuzuki asked him.

Fine, not much, Touda admitted to himself as a disappointed sound escaped from his mouth. Of all the possible connections the boy could have with ChiJou why should he have one so frail?

"Beside... Hisoka is not going to need me for so long. Right now he thinks so, but he's still very young. Even if his body won't grow, in a bunch of years his mind will be the mind of a man. He doesn't realize it yet, but he will also be going to turn into a powerful Shinigami in the future. He has the determination, the will and the ability. Getting a Shikigami will likely speed up the process. And he's opening up toward others so, soon, he'll have way too many friends for still feeling the need to hang around to such an old, messy man like me. Without realizing he'll leave like all my other partners did," Tsuzuki explained calmly.

Touda decided he hated the boy, he really did. Tsuzuki needed him and he... He hated Enma also. Couldn't that jerk gave Tsuzuki a partner who would stay? Didn't he bother considering how much it hurt Tsuzuki when his partners left him? He hated being helpless also. Why he or the others Shikigami Tsuzuki had couldn't be enough?

He tightened his hold on the glass almost breaking it. It wasn't fair.

"Ne, Touda... Sorry for involving you in the mess... Suzaku's giving you a hard time, isn't she? I must have a chat with her..." Tsuzuki mumbled in a guilty tone.

"Who cares about her? Her form is so sloppy she wouldn't harm a child. Beside it isn't like I've something better to do," Touda replied dismissively. He didn't care about Suzaku's attempts to kill him. At all. He hadn't considered they might have upset Tsuzuki...

"I'm sorry anyway. I didn't mean to cause you more troubles," Tsuzuki insisted and Touda felt tempted to hit him in exasperation. It wasn't fair that the man would worry for him when he had so many troubles to worry already...

"You know I will always fulfil any of your wishes, don't you? No matter what?" he reminded him. He really wished he knew how to be... supporting but... it just wasn't in his nature. Tsuzuki smiled at him anyway, as if he had understood perfectly what was going on in his mind and maybe he had.

"Yeah, I know. You're a good friend," the man stated and it was so... like Tsuzuki to thank someone for trying to kill him.

"I'm your Shikigami. I'm bound to serve you no matter what you ask. I want to serve you no matter what you ask," Touda stated determinately. He had tried many times to explain to Tsuzuki he didn't feel forced at all to obey to him, that he was doing it out of his free will but that particular talk always fell on deaf ears. It didn't stop him from trying.

"Anyway you shouldn't have stayed that long in Shion Daigaku. It could have been dangerous," Tsuzuki pointed out in a gentle chiding tone.

Touda sighed. Tsuzuki had been about to die and he had gotten worried about his health?

"I'm a fire Shikigami. It's not like fire can really hurt me," he replied. Not normal fire, all right. But being in the middle of his own fire which can burn everything and likely ending up buried under the remain of Shion Dai wasn't going to be healthy. But Tsuzuki didn't need to know this.

He could give dead to Tsuzuki if that was what the man wished.

He couldn't leave him to die alone when Tsuzuki did everything he could to not let him alone, when the thing Tsuzuki feared the most was to be abandoned.

He didn't want to leave Tsuzuki alone. He didn't want to leave Tsuzuki. It didn't matter if that meant he too was going to die.

"You really shouldn't have stayed. You should make friends here in GenSoKai and not get yourself in danger," Tsuzuki insisted. And possibly Touda should forget about him like Hisoka one day would do, so, when Tsuzuki would finally die, Touda wouldn't be emotionally involved. He had meant to free the Shikigami not to bound him to himself to the point Touda would be willing to help him to die but would also remain with him until the end, until them both would be dead.

"Tsuzuki... I would prefer you won't ask this from me..." the Shikigami said quietly, his gaze lowered. He knew he had no right to impose his wishes on Tsuzuki, the man was his master but... but what would he do without him? That wasn't an option he wanted to contemplate...

"You too, eh? Like Hisoka... I'm such an idiot... how could have I missed **_this_**?" Tsuzuki asked more to himself than to Touda as he leaned his head in his hands. He knew Touda better than any other. He understood Touda better than any other. But he hadn't understood the Shikigami was so attached to him he wanted to die with him. "I shouldn't have asked that to you... I'm so sorry..."

"I wouldn't have wanted you to ask it to anyone else," Touda stated looking straight at him. "If that was all you wished, if that was all I could do for you, I wanted to give it to you. I would want to give it to you all over again, should you find yourself in the same mess, if that's all I can do. Because we are... friends... aren't we?" he added hesitantly. Tsuzuki had said so many times they were... he wouldn't take it back now, would he?

"We are," Tsuzuki confirmed, smiling to him sadly. "That's why I shouldn't have asked. Friends shouldn't put friends in this sort of troubles."

"You didn't put me in troubles. Before you this world never had worth for me and it won't have it after you're not here anymore. You gave me something precious. I won't ask you to live or die just... to let me be of use to you until the end..." he said simply. It was Tsuzuki the one who made his life bearable. Without Tsuzuki there would be no point in it. He wasn't like the boy who would cling to him. He just... wanted to stay around. Tsuzuki smiled at him before wrapping his arm around Touda's shoulders and pulling him close.

"You are definitely the most troublesome of all my Shikigami," the man stated as Touda let himself be hugged without returning the hug but without trying to untangle from it either. "And my best friend also. Sometimes... I wish so badly I wasn't so damaged... for Hisoka... and for you too Touda... but this... this is all I can give you both..."

"For me, it's more than enough," Touda stated closing his eyes and allowing himself to lean on Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki rested his head against Touda's and they remained like that to watch the sky, to wait for the dawn. Touda thought that, when time would come, it wouldn't be bad to wait like that for death too. No, it wouldn't be bad at all.

**_"So close, no matter how far  
Couldn't be much more from the heart  
Forever trusting who we are  
And nothing else matters."  
(Metallica - "Nothing Else Matters")_**

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**JJ's Notes:**

1. In the **'Tsuzuki & Hisoka No Shikigami Series'** as soon as Tsuzuki' Shikigami discovered he was back in GenSoKai they organized a party to celebrate his presence.

2. In the winter of 1998, in Kyoto, Tsuzuki had tried to kill himself with Touda's help.

3. In the **'Nagasaki Hen'** Hisoka got drunk and fainted due to it. I assumed that, from that moment, he avoided drinking.

4. When Hisoka arrived in GenSoKai he met SoRyu in KanSeiTei and the Shikigami attached him accusing him to bring misfortune because, while he was there, the Kazehana was blowing and that, for SoRyu, was a sign of misfortune.

5. By a while in GenSoKai some wormholes had started to appear and they were causing various troubles. The Shikigami feared that was meaning GenSoKai was about to be destroyed.

6. After Kyoto Suzaku had made her personal goal to punish Touda for trying to kill Tsuzuki. Touda, however, hadn't got why she was attacking him until he talked with her some days after Tsuzuki arrived in GenSoKai.

7. During the **'Kyoto Hen'** Suzaku killed a girl that had been turned into a monster in order to protect Tsuzuki, despite Tsuzuki ordering her to not hurt the girl, causing Tsuzuki to go insane in his grief. For who's wondering... yes, Tsuzuki forgave her.

8. Tsuzuki said so to Asuka in **'Mukougishi no Futari'**.

9. I know almost everyone think Touda has dark hair but in a pic Matsushita coloured them in purple so...

10. Tsuzuki's back story hadn't been completely told but it has been said that something had happened to Tsuzuki when he was eighteen and that, after it, he had needed to be hospitalised. During those eight years he had been insane, refusing to eat, drink and sleep and usually out of it for most of the time.

11. I've made up the information about Touda's race.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
Geez, I started this when? A lifetime ago it seems, and I finished it only now...  
Anyway the majority of the fics have Hisoka thinking back at what had happened in Kyoto. In this fic I've Touda. He was there too and... well, he was trying to help Tsuzuki in his own way... and I had the impression he had remained there until Tsuzuki had been there... which might have been dangerous should the place have crumbled on him... not mentioning the problems he would have had with the other Shiki because he had killed his master... and yet he always said he saw nothing wrong in what he did because _'Tsuzuki wanted so'_. He has only Tsuzuki as a friend so, to me, it makes sense he, like Hisoka, might have wished to die with him.  
As for Tsuzuki... yes, I had the feeling he was still suicidal after what had happened in Kyoto. Never once Tsuzuki seems to regret the fact he risked to die, he only regrets he had saddened and troubled the others, that his actions had been egoistical... so yes, I think he still lack of will to live. Feel free to disagree.

**Dictionary:**  
**-sama:** "Lord" or "Lady"  
**Akuma:** Demon  
**Aruji:** "Master" or "Owner"  
**Bakemono:** Monster  
**ChiJou:** Land of the Living  
**DaiGaku:** University  
**Enma:** "Demon of Darkness". Ruler of the Land of Dead  
**GenSoKai:** "Illusory World". It's where Shikigami reside. It's a mirror copy of ChiJou located in JuOhCho network  
**HakuShaku:** "Earl". Master of the Rousoku no Yakata, he controls humans' life span  
**JuOhCho:** "Ten Kings Office". Meifu's bureaucratic organization ruled by Enma. It's in charge of judging the deceased in Japan  
**Jyazoku:** "Snake Race" or "Member of the Snake Race"  
**Kageshi:** "Shadow User". Tatsumi Seiichiro's ability  
**Kazehana:** Wind Flower  
**KouRyu:** "Golden Dragon". Highest class of dragons  
**Meifu:** Land Of The Dead  
**NanpouSyugoJyu:** "South Guardian Beast". Suzaku's title  
**Rousoku no Yakata:** "Castle of Candles". Where the candles representing human lives are held  
**Ryuzoku:** "Dragon Race" or "Member of the Dragon Race"  
**Shiki:** Short for 'Shikigami'  
**Shikigami:** "Ceremonial God". Summoned creatures with two forms (usually one is animal looking while the other is human looking) that live in GenSoKai. In Japanese myth they're summoned creature that attends an Onmyouji  
**Shinigami:** "God Of Death" or "Death God". Nickname for the Shokan-ka workers. In Japanese myth two Shinigami are sent by Enma to retrieve the souls of the dead  
**ShinSho:** Divine Commander

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


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